


The Media needs a Job

by EmpressPyrus



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Robin (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Famous!AU, Harley Quinn is on the Housewives of Gotham, Stephanie needs a vacation, Wayne Brothers, ish, this is an odd cousin of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 07:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10301375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmpressPyrus/pseuds/EmpressPyrus
Summary: Dami and Tim are the famous brothers in Gotham City that manage to beat Batman with the amount of front title stories they get. Tam needs a raise. Steph wants to throw a brick in Tim's face again.





	

“Drake-Wayne’s new lover?!”  
“Damian Wayne expecting!”  
“Founder of Neon Knights pulling the plug?”  
“Damian or Demon? What Timothy Drake-Wayne really thinks of his adoptive brother”  
“Wayne Enterprises stock rising! Name change to Drake Industries?”  
“Tim kicking Damian out to the curb?”  
“Damian Wayne makes it clear Luthor not welcome in Bat territory”  
“Wayne brothers throw bash of the year with a few surprise guests!”  
“Drake Wayne spotted with Red Hood! Gang Affiliations?”  
“Drake Wayne PREGNANT!”  
“Damian Wayne denies pregnancy rumours. ‘It’s scientifically impossible’.”  
“Wayne brothers beat Batman with number of front page stories!”

 

“Okay this is getting ridiculous,” Bruce seemed to be reading the latest Gotham Gazette, which, quite frankly had gone from being a semi-reputable paper to completely useless gossip garbage.  
“Tt, what you you talking about?”  
Damian, unlike his father, was spending his “mandatory free time” as Alfred called it, obsessively cleaning one of the older batmobile models.  
“Damian Wayne has been barred from Metropolis after his previous ‘bat city’ comments to Luthor during his press conference regarding Lexcorp infrastructure from earthquake 15 years ago-”  
“Tt, father don’t be petty,” Damian hushed just as Tim looked up from his laptop (he wasn’t on his mandatory free time) and laughed, “you’re just jealous about the article when we overtook your title page count.”  
Bruce, ignored both and continued, “this is complete bullshit, I built the Gotham Gazette, do they not have actual journalists, even Vicki Vale was better than this.”  
“Relax Bruce, let them think whatever they need, and when Robin spends the next week with Superboy in Metropolis, they won't think twice that Damian Wayne is anywhere near Metropolis.” 

The topic was dropped. 

“Tim!” “Tim” “OVER HERE!” “Mr. Wayne, what can you tell us about Damian’s presence in Metropolis when it was understood that he wasn’t welcome there?”  
Tim flashed a smile, “Susan, you know as well as I do that Damian does not care of what might be ‘understood’. He had business there. Quote me on that. No one’s getting any more.”  
He took this as a chance to jump into the waiting limo and let Alfred speed away from the flurry of reporters. 

 

“‘Business’ what you you thinking! Wayne enterprises didn’t have any official business in metropolis recently! They’ll connect him to Robin!” Bruce bellowed.  
“No, they’re going to think he’s having an affair. Let them.”  
“You’re being reckless!”  
Tim signed and looked up from his work, “I was building him an alias. We can make sure he gets caught there a few more times without any Robin sightings and that’ll convince them he’s just seeing someone.”  
“You’re being too lax. Both of you. At this rate, secrets will start unraveling sooner rather than later and someone will need to be held responsible,” Bruce stood his ground firmly.  
“We will deal with that if the time comes, now if you don't mind, I need to finish this proposal in an hour.” 

 

“Okay this is getting ridiculous.” Tam was generally a patient person. She had that never-ending Fox loyalty and grounded mindset that kept her thinking logically though even apocalyptic situations. But Gotham’s media had driven her to the end of her wits. They were leeches that made an empire focusing on useless details and consistently ignoring the city’s real economic drops.  
“I DON’T KNOW IF TIM GOT PLASTIC SURGERY AND I DON’T CARE. THE NEXT TIME THIS HAPPENS I WILL START DISHING OUT LAWSUITS!”  
The hoard of “reporters surrounding her, however, were unrelentless.  
“Ms. Fox!” “Is Tim going to address this!” “Where did he get it done!”  
She shoved her way through the reporters and stormed through the Wayne Tower where there were guards stationed at the door. She didn’t even bother going to up to her office, where with this mood, no work was going to get done.  
She took out her Batman Inc. card and took the elevator down to the third level basement. Technically, it didn’t exist, but she had forced Tim to tell her about “all” of the official bat bases around the city for her own safety. She didn’t have the patience her father had when dealing with vigilantes, and getting kidnapped multiple times had drawn the line. She was going to be a member of Batman Inc. There was no question against it.  
The basement, like most of their other newer bases was oddly well lit for something so far underground. She had been in the batcave only once and had quickly realized that Bruce’s interior design skills were aesthetically pleasing to only some and his associates had a knack for spending money on keeping their bases brightly lit and sterilized.  
She put down her work bag on the batarang table and made sure her phone was firmly zipped into her blazer pocket before jumping onto one of the motorcycles, Batgirls, if the color said anything, and thanked the fact that the new subway system meant there had been enough underground passageways for them to build tunnels through all of Gotham and to all the bases within the city. The batmobile had been nice to see on the streets in the olden days, but the underground system was much more subtle and efficient.  
Zooming through these tunnels had never been her favourite thing to do, the musty scent never really went away, but she learned to make sacrifices a long time ago.  
It took a solid four minutes of speeding for her to arrive at the Wayne Foundation bunker. She jumped off the damned bike as fast as she could and looked up to see a blaise looking Robin staring at her with a raised eyebrow.  
“Tt, what are you doing here Fox?”  
“Where’s Tim?” She asked, not at all bothered by Damian Wayne.  
“How am I supposed to know?”  
“Please, don’t act as though you don’t know each other's schedule better than any married couple.”  
Damian looked slightly put off by this, but didn’t deny anything. He and Tim worked closely together. Ever since their civilian lives had become Gotham’s power brothers, their superhero lives had gotten closely tied as well. Tam found it funny how it still irked baby Damian, even with his twentieth birthday on the cusp of the month.  
“He’s off world. With Wilson. That means he won’t be back for at least a week.”  
Tam huffed. She was in the mood to get a good yell out, but Rose Wilson meant Tim was feeling promiscuous enough to be smart and get to some isolated planet in space.  
“Relax Fox, they aren’t sleeping together, I had Todd ask him.”  
First the reporters, now this whole possible mess. Tam needed a raise.  
“This is getting ridiculous.” 

“You’re all being ridiculous!”  
Batgirl was done. She was finished. She was tired of how far this situation had gotten. This was the fourth time this week that a reporter had cornered Batgirl after an arrest. The paparazzi weren’t stupid. No, they had taken to hacking into police frequencies to figure out where the bats were going to be seen at. They would have people stationed all over the city to make sure someone would get there in record time (which they did. Steph had tried to outrun them many times) and ask Batgirl, that, since she was a part of Batman inc., which Damian Wayne was an associate of, did she know if he was secretly a Tamaranian?  
She would rather be forced to work three straight weeks with Bruce Mr. stick-in-the-mud-hates-steph Wayne than be asked that question with a straight face again.  
It was bad enough seeing Tim and Damian plastered all over the city. But now she was being asked about them even in her superhero life? No more.  
She didn’t bother to try her banter with Montoya, just handed her the perp and literally ran away from the pap.  
Steph had dealt with a lot of shit in her life, but this would go on no further. It was time to call out the big guns. She hated using this method, but it was worth it if her sanity got to stay in tact.  
“Bruce… I think we need to call a family meeting.” 

Damian loathed family meetings. He had outgrown his need to question each person’s worth a solid five years ago, but these things never ended well. He couldn’t use an absolute saying they never started well because one time everyone had been wiped out enough to ignore each other for a solid seven minutes (those were an amazing seven minutes) but it had quickly gone down hill when someone forgot to restock Dick’s cereal.  
And when the title “family meeting” was given out, that was the reminder that it wasn’t just for the immediate family. All of the bat associates in Gotham came. AS much as Damian tended to fester ill feelings toward his brothers, at least they were all fundamentally the same. They all saw the big picture at the end of the day. The “extended” family on the other hand. Well, they had their own opinions on just about everything.  
He didn’t even know what this meeting could possibly be about. His father had called for it, but they were supposed to show up in their civilian identities at Bat Burger of all places. That reeked of someone more “personable” like Grayson or Brown or even Luke Fox.  
He was glad the road outside the establishment seemed to be clear, and the windows shut. Damian didn’t even bother trying to look subtle as he yanked open the “closed” door, and walked in, surprised to see, what seemed to be everyone already there.  
It wasn’t that this group of people didn’t tend to be on time, but it seemed like he was late which he was quite sure wasn’t accurate.  
“Damian,” his father called, “please come in.”  
It took a second more for there to be an engine roar, and for Bruce to say, “ah, Tim’s here too.”  
Drake being late was even less of a possibility.  
Tim Drake walked in a moment later, looking outwardly confused, which matched what Damian was feeling pretty well.  
“Oh please,” he said a moment later, “are we all seriously here to discuss the Tamaranian thing?”  
Ah. The rumours. Damian felt quite affronted he hadn’t figured it out earlier.  
“Yes, it’s the Tamaranian thing. And the plastic surgery thing. And the fact that one of you seems to be physically pregnant every month!” Brown yelled. Of course this was Brown’s idea, she never did believe in subtlety. And Damian had a good idea that she was here to promote her new batgirl toy at the same time.  
“And you couldn’t have talked to me about this privately?” Tim asked her patiently.  
Damian was happy. Drake seemed to have his patronizing patient tone, which meant he was willing to fight this through till the end. Alone.  
Damian took this as a chance to shuffle into an empty space next Todd and mooch off his Night-wings.  
“No, Tim, she couldn’t because you never seem to be in the city anymore!”  
Tam was obviously not over the whole Wilson in space incident.  
“I’ve been here for a week,” Tim responded cooly, “and I know Damian hasn’t left the city for at least a month.”  
“Damian wouldn’t have done anything about this!” Steph yelled. Damian was a little ticked off, but he knew when to stay out of Brown’s way, and he wasn’t about to ask her why she’d been avoiding him in front of an audience of over twenty.  
“Because there’s nothing to be done,” Tim easily responded, “you guys are blowing this out of proportion.”  
Todd let out a laugh under his breath, but continued to eat his fries. He was also choosing to stay out of this.”  
“YOU are not the one who gets STALKED TO WORK EVERY MORNING!” Tam screamed just as Steph managed to let out, “they caught me at ARKHAM two days ago! This is a safety threat!”  
Damian could now see this was taking a toll on their mental health, they must be sleeping less. He blamed the newest season of the new housewives of Gotham City, Harley Quinn made an interesting TV personality for sure.  
“Are you sure you aren’t just too caught up with the new housewives? I know Harley pumps out good tv, but-” and he got kicked in the gut.  
Now that the physical fight had started, Damian used this as a chance to talk to Jason.  
“You have connections with Green Lantern Rayner right?”  
“I know him, sure. What? Need to get in touch with him?”  
-”Harper do not electrocute anyone!”  
“Tt, I got an invite to his moon exhibition.”  
-“Tim! Get off of her!”  
“That’s a pretty big deal, Rayner’s become more paranoid than Bruce these days, but I don’t know if you’d like his style.”  
\- “Cass! Help me break them apart!”  
“Getting to see a White Lanterns work can be a beneficial experience, the art itself will come in second.”  
\- “Are you ready to listen now?”  
“See, that’s the attitude maybe don’t show up with.”  
“I’ve decided to sign you and Damian on with a morning talk show.”  
And with those words, Damian was ripped away from his pleasant conversation to face reality.”  
“WHAT!”  
Tam looked at them both with a raised eyebrow.  
“Almost everyone in this room has been getting harassed by reporters, and that’s just for possibly knowing one of you through Batman Inc. I’ve gotten calls from old school mates, one night stands, even Superman! This has gotten out of hand.”  
Damian did not know Superman had heard about this mess, but he was quite pleased to hear his name ran far.  
“I am not a personal secretary, nor am I a lawyer but I might as well be with the amount of lawsuits I’ve thrown out these last few months. At our own businesses!”  
“Tamara is right,” Bruce, who had sat through the whole fight said, “you two may humor the media, but this can lead to some serious breaches of security. You will do the morning show, and then anything else it might take to calm the storm. Until then, keep a low profile. No parties, no girls, no stirring the pot. We will make an announcement you are in the Yukon for business. Red Robin can spend the week in New York, Robin can stay with Nightwing in Bludhaven. You are not to be seen in public until the show is aired.”  
Damian could not believe that this had required a family meeting. 

“So, Timothy, there’s been talk of pregnancy,” the old, almost robotically annoying woman in front of him asked.  
“With your money and influence, I’m sure you could easily find a way to get impregnated.”  
Damian stared at her with a clank face while Tim tried not to open bang his head against a wall.  
This was ridiculous.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated!!!


End file.
